I found this on the web the other day and it is all so true. Those of you reading this from anywhere else but DC probably won't get it, but to any of the old US Airways folks in DC reading this, it will ring oh so true....
First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is D.C., or "the District". Only tourists call it Washington.
Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete.
There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.
All directions start with "The Beltway"...which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an "inner" and 'outer loop' designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the Beltway.
The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.
If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at.
If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 picture you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none of them English.)
Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers.
Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the Giant for toilet paper and milk.
Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an "Interstate" but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. (Unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which some do). Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a "Spur" section which is even more confusing.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Takoma Park".
If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a tourist.
Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. Heed the warning.
Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows.
If asking directions in Arlington, Langley Park, Wheaton or Adams Morgan, you must know how to speak Spanish.
If you stop to ask directions in Southeast... well, just don't.
A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you $16.75.(It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand)
Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do. There is nothing more comforting then seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!!
The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap up and collect points as you go.
The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the "slow" lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also.
The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat" lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All mini-vans have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multitasking in.
A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting construction barrels.
Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle so never use them.
Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit but before the traffic begins to back up.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Beltway driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in downtown DC.
Learn to swerve abruptly. The DC Metro area is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to VDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
It is traditional in DC to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. The city was founded upon such traditions.
Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
- Posted: Jul 10 , 2005 @ 12:08 AM
From the Peanut Gallery...
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